I'm Coming Down
by Little Artemis
Summary: Coming across Dean's blog was a complete accident. At least that's what Sam kept reminding himself whenever he checked it to see just what was going through Dean's head. It felt like every time he looked, he learned something new. [Dean/Cas, Dean/Benny] [Set during s8] [Warnings for; talk of suicide, depression, and anxiety]
1. Chapter 1

Finding his blog was an accident, Sam swore by that. It had been open, Dean walked off and Sam just wanted to look something up real quick. He did not expect it to be open to some website called 'Tumblr'. Some cheesy URL with 'perdition' in the name, which obviously looked like it was Dean's blog.

Reading over the sidebar he had to be sure;

'_Dean, 34, freelance hunter. I love Dr. Sexy, Castle, classic cars, walking on the beach, and frisky women._

_'This is a personal blog, but I'll sometimes post about 'fandom' things I like. Still figuring out some things about myself. Bit confused about my sexuality, among other things so you'll find shit about that here too._'

He decides to read more on the blog later, looking over he can tell Dean will be back soon so he turns the laptop around and goes back to reading the news paper, eyes scanning it barely. His attention is more on wondering just what Dean needed a blog like that for. Was is some kind of diary? How did he even find out about 'tumblr'?

…More to the point, when was he going to tell Sam about liking guys? Dean seemed adamant about being straight, right? Always insisted he was…? Massaging his temple he listened to his brother re-enter the room, setting the bottle of whiskey down before going back to whatever he was doing before.

Sam just was trying his hardest to think of what signs there could have been that Dean was having sexual interest in men.

He covers his mouth with one hand in thought, only registering moments later that Dean was talking to him. Looking up he eyes Dean questioningly. "Hmm?"

"I'm going to go get us some food. I'll be back in a bit." He pat Sam on the shoulder before picking up the keys, laptop still open. The page was likely closed in case Sam needed to use it.

Nodding he looked to the laptop before to where his brother was retreating out the door. Once he heard the engine rev up he pulled the laptop over quickly going back to Dean's blog. He blinked when he saw the latest entry before reading over it;

'_Sam and I haven't really talked since the fight. I'm not really surprised, we've never been ones to talk out our feelings. Well he used to be, but then the accident happened and…it's like him and I are completely different people from what we used to be. Like one year apart changed us. Even more than that, I think he's been different since after it happened. When he got fixed up but then that whole mess happened with Cas…_

_'Half of me is tempted to just run to Benny but he doesn't need that. Yeah he's the only one I can really rely on anymore with Cas gone and Sam hates my guts but…Benny doesn't need me clinging onto him like some scared four year old._

_'When Sam and I are done with our job I might just say good bye. Leave him with Baby and find some way out. Go out in a blaze of glory if I can. Leave everything with him so I know it's in good hands._

_'Might not even warn him when I leave. Just leave everything with him and start walking. Baby will be no good for me where I'm going._

_'Just hope 'heroic suicide' isn't the kind that gets you sent to hell. I'm not a religious man, but I'd rather not go there…_

_'I used to believe in Sam. He was my world, my life, but life decided to smack me on the head thirty years late that he doesn't feel the same. And probably never will. He's been fighting to get away from me since he could run practically…_

_'Then there was Cas who I realized I fell for a little too late. But he's gone…_

_'And Benny…I don't want to drag him down. I love him, but he doesn't need me. No one does. I'll probably just see about rotting at the bottom of some lake when this is over._

_'No one can tell me otherwise. I won't believe them._'

When he finished reading the entry he quickly closed the window then the laptop, holding his head. Dean…in love? Cas? Benny?

Then it clicked.

Dean was suicidal.

Since when?

He looked to the door, blinking a few times before looking back to the laptop. He would need to do some more digging…


	2. Chapter 2

Every entry after the first Sam read was just like the last. At least in the overall mood. Dean talked about things Sam never knew, like how much his body ached, and his anxiety. How he was depressed and frustrated with the world.

'_Why me? Just…fuck, why me? Why couldn't God pick on someone else?_

_'Finally get one good thing in my life and he's continually torn away, don't even know if it would be a good thing to tell him how I feel either way._

_'Somehow Sam and I were 'destined' to have this all happen to us. Well fuck that, I didn't want Mom to die in that fire. For Dad to die for me. For Sammy to have to leave college, or for his girl to die. I'd rather he stay back in that life, and marry her. If I could, I'd make it so he would have never had to see me again, even if I couldn't keep going on alone…just knowing he is happy and doesn't hate me would be fine enough…_

_'But no, the world has to keep fucking with me. Some son of a bitch decided to give me something else good in my life and Sam wants him dead. Only thing I'm scared of is him thinking I sent Sam to kill him…_

_'Guess whatever powers that be don't want me happy._

_'Sam hates me, Cas is dead, Benny's too good for me…probably doesn't want a washed up, depressed hunter to follow him around anyway._'

He covered his mouth with one hand as he read the last part, before running fingers through his hair. Dean updated it pretty regularly. Whether with his phone, or while on the laptop, either way there was never more than a day passing with out Dean posting on his little blog, sometimes replying to messages of encouragement and consolation from other users on the site.

The laptop was also how Dean kept up to date with his shows so he could find other things to blog about (something called 'caskett'? Sam did not really understand it.) he did not complain about the downloads, they were usually from reliable places.

That and it kept Dean happy. Reading all this…He was beginning to wonder how Dean kept all that bottled up. Little by little he was learning more and more about his brother. How he still had nightmares of hell plagued by Alastair, even though he knew the demon was dead.

How when he was with Lisa, Dean would wake in a cold sweat remembering each morning that Sam was not there.

Even more than that, how Dean had fallen for Cas before Lucifer had even been let out of the cage. How he fell for Benny while they were in purgatory and the vampire had saved Cas, even when Benny wanted them to ditch the angel.

There was also Dean's affinity for 'creative writing'. He wrote little drabbles about a hunter battling the supernatural. One who was much like himself. Sam figured it was Dean basically journalling about his life with out looking insane.

At points though, Sam wished it was not based on Dean's life - their life. Reading about John taking his anger and frustration out on his brother, how their father blamed him for Sam running off, for almost everything. He clasped his hands, resting his head on them, taking a deep breath.

How much did Dean hide from him…?

"Hey, I'm hungry, you wanna go get something to eat? I hear the steakhouse nearby has a good pie." Sam jumped, closing the tab as he looked to the bathroom where Dean's head was poking out.

"I…uh…sure." Swallowing hard he gave his brother a small smile before closing the laptop, ignoring the suspicious look Dean gave him.

Best Dean did not find out just what he was up to…


	3. Chapter 3

The latest entry is one that worries Sam. He kept reading it over and over again when they arrived back at the motel, trying to make sense of it. He knew what it meant he just…never knew Dean felt this way. That it was like this dark cloud followed his brother around everywhere he went.

It made him wonder just how long this dark cloud had been following him.

'_It feels like I'm screaming at a crowded room full of people, but no one's listening. No one cares. Online, offline, family, friends, it feels like everyone's just given up on me. I wouldn't be surprised if they have. Was never really worth much anyway. Everything was always about someone else, or someone else._

_'I almost wish I knew what I told Sam that night I blacked out, so I knew just what he was holding against me._

_'…So I knew just what I needed to repeat. I know I have anger and all that shit deep inside me but I've never been good with talking about feelings. Dad worked that out of me a long time ago. Now here I am and I just…don't know what to do anymore._

_Depression is a bit like being lost out at sea. Drowning, alone, scared, you feel like everything is closing in around you. Try to cling onto what ever you can, but it's impossible to keep afloat. When you finally get that breath of air it's hard to keep up and keep hope because you know you're going to just go back under and face it all again._

_'The sealife is like your anxiety and thoughts. Nipping at you. Circling you. Waiting for you to be weak before they strike leaving to bloodied and bruised. You keep clinging but it's hard. You're weak, tired, exhausted basically._

_'Keep trying and trying but you're floating in an endless see and haven't seen someone else for days, weeks, months maybe._

_'Years if you think of it._

_'You're starving; for what you don't know. Love, attention, food, touch, self confidence? Something._

_'You thirst as well, but you know the water will be your death. It's deadly, trying to pull you under, and when you take a drink lethargy takes hold, pulling you down again._

_'It's nothing like the storms that bat you around like some ragdoll, or the endless crying, tears that you didn't know you could still cry. They come more and more frequently but you know you can't stop them. Not anymore._

_'The simplest things have you crying and you're begging for it to end, but you're too much of a coward to do it yourself._

_'Clinging onto some small hope. Some tiny hope that maybe someone will save you, or stop it all for you. Something to make the pain go away._

_'Something that may never come._'

After reading it over again he quickly closes it before closing the laptop and resting his head in his hands, fingers in his hair as his elbows rest on his knees. He just stares at the floor, fighting back the tears of his own. Why had Dean never told him?

Fuck the 'no chick flick moments' rule, he should have known sooner. Just how long had Dean been fighting this? How long had Dean been messed up?

Just how broken was his brother?

Swallowing hard he tried to pull himself together, looking over to where he could hear Dean coming back with the impala. Looking over to the door he wondered if it was too late to save his brother. To try to reach out to him.

When he came in silently, setting their meals on the table, Sam took the keys, muttering something about needing to get something. He was gone for a while - long enough for Dean to notice and complain - but once back he set the pie down before his brother who just stared at the hot, apple pastry with wide eyes.

It was small, but it was a start right?

If only to see that wide _genuine_ smile form on Dean's face. One that for the first time in a long time reached his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

"I just feels like when I want to get someone to talk to me, or pay attention to me, I'm a chore. And I can't help that everything going on in my life seems to reinforce this."

That was the line from the latest entry that stood out to Sam. It felt like every time Dean posted something new Sam was learning more and more about his brother. More things that he never figured about him. He had never considered that Dean was like this. Broken, tired, depressed…

One time he even caught Dean in the middle of an attack - though he claimed it was just exhaustion and being out of breath Sam could tell it was a panic attack. The quickened pulse, how close to crying Dean looked, shaking hands.

He did not push it though, just made sure Dean had some time to relax. Even got him some pie.

Yeah Dean probably did not notice, but Sam liked knowing that he was helping, even in a small way. He was beginning to see the small intricate actions in his brother, how he felt about things. What made him happy, or sad.

Little things like how he lit up around children, got insecure about the smallest things. Just how smart and observant Dean was. How he had such low self esteem even though he acted like he did not.

Rubbing at his eyes, Sam watched Dean walk into the room toweling off his hair quietly. It was a break finally, off cases, and still no idea where Kevin was. Sam figured, time to do something nice for his brother.

"Hey…I have an idea…town's got a pie festival going on. All kinds of flavors to try out, even a contest on who can eat the fastest. Since we got nothing planned, wanna go check it out?" Yeah it was unusual for him to suggest these kinds of things, but with the Tran's out of the loop, seeing Dean on festival rides, and laughing with children would be nice right now.

Honestly, he did not get to see him happy enough anymore. He never noticed just how down and out his brother had been until reading his blog and realizing; this made a lot of sense. Now that he was no longer with Amelia, it was nice to have something good in his life.

It felt nice to know he was making Dean happy.

Dean blinked at him for a few moments, hands up in the towel, "you sure…? We're still hunting down Kevin…" he seemed unsure and Sam knew why, he had yelled at Dean about side hunts, and that one with Benny.

"Yeah but he's under the radar right now. Will be nice to go out and get some fresh air. They have rides, and stuff." He cracked a little smile when Dean's eyes lit up at that. "Plus they might even have your favourite flavour."

"Dude, any pie is my favourite."

"We both know you go crazy for a good apple pie though."

"Shut it." Grinning Dean moved to grab his keys looking more excited than ever. "Come on, it's on today right? If we head out now we'll be able to get some of the best stuff!"

Yeah this definitely was a good idea.


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel's appearance marks the arrival of a silence on Dean's blog. Sam keeps checking but at most Dean's just posting to reassure people he is alive, and some things offline are keeping him away. Sam notices he does not mention the angel but he guesses it is because his brother does not know what to say.

How do you explain someone who you thought was dead being alive? Just appearing out of nowhere?

The two stick together like peas in a pod, Castiel hovering over his charge with interest when he is not glued to the TV, watching reruns of some crime drama called Castle ('The human, Kate, is much like you Dean.'). The rest of the time he is trying to get Dean to sleep. They argue at times and Sam begins to wonder why he had never seen it before. The chemistry buzzing between them.

It is in how Castiel stares at Dean like everything he does is breathtaking, like he is the angels entire world. How Dean seems to rely on him so much, leaning into him without even thinking. Subtle things that make him smile and wonder if there is any way to nudge them together. Encourage it in the smallest way. Because he wants them to be happy. For Dean to be happy.

The rainclouds do not seem to want to go away though…

'_He pushed me out._'

It is the beginning of Dean's latest update, done while the angel was out for whatever reason. It has Sam worried, especially as Dean is hiding in the bathroom, muttering about needing some alone time.

'_Fucker pushed me out of that danger zone, leaving me to think he was dead…didn't think he was worth it. I'm the one who deserves to stay there, not him. Castiel he…how the fuck do I tell him that he's too good for me? How do I get it through to him? He wants to help Sam and I and I don't know if I want to drag him into this. This no good life we have. I want him to go back home, but I don't know if he wants to._

_'Makes me feel like even more shit knowing he got me out. I should have seen it coming, I know that crippling self loathing. I deserve it through. I fail everyone I care about. Everyone I love. Failed Mom, Dad, Sam, Adam, Cas, Jo, Ellen…_

_'Everything keeps circling around to just finishing the job and driving into that ditch. Can't drive in though, don't want to wreck Baby. That would be selfish of me. Leave her with Sam, and just walk in on my own. No warning, no words, just go._

_'I try, and try, but it's always my fault. I'm never good enough for them to stay…_

_'I probably never will be._

_'Sam wants out, Cas left, Benny left, everyone else is dead…_

_'If I can't save anyone, what good am I worth?_'

The ending has Sam rubbing at his eyes, not knowing what to do. Should he show this to Cas? Make him see just how much Dean needed him? The angel might run and never come back, leaving the hunter more shattered than before.

Rubbing his forehead he eyed something posted recently;

Anonymous asked; '_Why not tell Castiel?_'

'_You don't know me that well do you? I'm the dirt beneath his feet. He…he's heaven, and the most purest thing I've ever known. Ever seen. He has looked into my soul and I can't tarnish that. No one like me deserves someone as good as him. Yeah I'm sure he returns the feelings, but…I'd rather push him away towards someone else. I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being, I think the scars on my body inflicted by my own hand and the blood in my past is enough to count for that._

'_Then again, I don't think any kid raised knowing how to clean a shotgun and shoot to kill would be worth much huh?_

_'I'm a child soldier, brought up in a warped American dream in motel rooms._

_'Cas needs a good religious person who is pure and doesn't try to tarnish him with bottled emotions, porn, booze and hookers._

_'I'm 90% bullshit, take away that you just have muscle cars, excessive sex, drugs, alcohol, and bottled feelings, all you got left is nothing but a broken soldier who is skilled with a gun and a knife._

_'Cas doesn't need me. I need him, but he doesn't need me._'

Sitting back he stared at his computer, fingers running through his hair. Closing his eyes, Sam closed the laptop, not fully knowing what to do. He might need to set Dean and Cas up together. Find some way to get them to connect.

"Dean…" he whispered to the stillness, listening to the shuffling from the bathroom, his brother obviously sitting down on the floor.

It took everything to push away the mental image of Dean with his knees hugged to his chest, crying and looking like a scared child.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: warning for suicidal thoughts/idealizations, and anxiety attacks.

* * *

It is at some point while they are out seeking information on where the other tablet half is located that things go downhill - at least for a moment. They have finished off some hauntings and are chilling around the car talking as Cas does his thing when Dean's hands start shaking.

"Dean…what's wrong?" Sam moves in, taking them in hand, startled by how cold they feel.

"I'm fine! Stop holding my hand like I'm some girl!" He is trying to pull away, acting like it is nothing but Sam can tell something is wrong. They will not stop shaking, and it feels like Dean's entire body is just trembling. Even when Sam wraps his arms around his brother protectively. The others heart is racing, his eyes flickering away from Sam as he keeps shaking.

He keeps resisting, pushing at his brother and growling out protests. Even when he looks like he is close to falling to pieces right there. When his eyes start shining with something that Sam rarely gets to see. It is like the fragile glass bottle of emotions inside Dean is cracking and he does not know what to do.

Hell, all signs point to something Sam does not know how to handle and he looks to Cas, completely lost. As if responding just by instinct - probably remembering his time before purgatory - Cas pulls his coat from around his shoulders and covers Dean in it. He wraps the other man up protectively with a small smile, pulling him in close.

Blue eyes turn to Sam and the younger Winchester swallows hard. "I…You get him in the car. I'll drive us back to the motel."

Cas nods solemnly in answer, pulling the door to the Impala open before climbing in. It takes little fighting which is mostly hushed words between the two to coax Dean into the car. Sam gets the keys from him once he is inside, ignoring how Cas pulls Dean in close so the hunter's head is resting on his chest.

He is singing softly as Sam starts up the car and once he recognizes the song he is almost ready to break down himself. More because he knows that will be the one thing to probably help Dean relax from whatever triggered this attack.

"_Hey jude, don't make it bad._

_Take a sad song and make it better._

_Remember to let her into your heart,_

_Then you can start to make it better._"

Cas' voice becomes a background noise, and Sam checks the back seat occasionally, happy to see Dean not as tense, and actually sleeping calmly in the seat. Cuddled against the angel, and not even stirring as Cas' fingers combed through the short strands of hair.

The only problem to arise when they arrived was getting Dean into the room with little complaint. It got worse when Dean awoke and tried to shove them both out of the way. "I'm not some damsel in distress okay? Fucking hell, you two are acting like I'm some fragile princess. It was just some after effect of the ghost, or whatever! I've handled worse!"

"But Dean -"

"Don't 'but Dean' me, Sammy! I'm fine! I -" he went tense as Cas grasped the back of his neck, shoulders pulling up as a defensive maneuver, eyes still fixed on Sam who was frankly surprised.

"I can handle him, Sam. You just…see about food."

Nodding though not completely understanding he headed back to the car. When he spared a look back, Cas had picked up Dean who was still protesting and carried him bridal into the motel room.

When he later returned the two were half naked and curled up under the blankets of Dean's bed. Cas wrapped around Dean who was settled down again, though the sound of Sam entering had him tense.

He just held up the food and set it down on the table before sitting on his own bed to quietly watch TV.

'_Fuck. Fucking son of a bitch I'm a fuck up. I can't believe I did that. I broke down right in front of Sam and Cas and…fuck they saw me. They saw me shaking and it's only good I didn't start crying like a fucking baby. I bet they both think I'm stupid. Or worse._

_'They were both probably laughing at me secretly. Look at Dean, the big man baby! Look at him, he's such a wimp! I tried to put it off as something work related but I don't know if they believe me._

_'It was nice to feel Cas holding me but fuck…I hate feeling weak. I'm not supposed to be the weak one. I need to be strong!_

_'And yet here I am, feeling like putting a gun to my head and they're walking on eggshells. Probably don't even fucking know what happened…_

_'Cas' coat smells like him though. It's like nothing ever happened. Like nothing changed…_'


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Warnings: self harm, depression, anxiety

Set before Christmas, and before citizen fang.

* * *

He had known something was up, it was a matter of getting a damned confession out of Dean. Which in of itself was like trying to pull teeth. Dean was tighter than a clam, and he knew the other would not fess up to anything without a lot of prying. It was tiring, worse because he just wanted his brother to feel better. See him smile. Lift the damned dark cloud around him, but no he just kept kicking at Sam, keeping the other from seeing just what was wrong.

Watching Dean bandage up the latest cut to his finger he did not say a word, just offering some antibacterial when needed. At another point he applied one to a reopened wound on his brother, not bothering to ask just what happened. He knew, but he also knew Dean would deny it until he was out of breath. Always worrying about everything but himself.

Did he have no sense of self preservation?

It took everything in the younger hunter to not pull his brother's head to his chest and just hold him tight. Cling onto him like he was something fragile. It would be worth the ass kicking.

"I need to go pick up some supplies..." it was the rough, worn out voice that pulled Sam from his reverie, looking at Dean questioningly. "We need bandages, salt, few other things. Plus I can pick us up some food while we're out. Don't worry, I know what you like." He pat the other on the shoulder, offering him a smile that did not reach his eyes. Dean was so tired and Sam knew it, he just did not know what to do to help.

He could only give a weak smile in return, nodding his agreement. Dean always knew what he liked, he knew everything about him it felt like. But lately? It felt like he was finding out that while he knew Dean's patterns, and movements, he knew nothing of who Dean was as a person.

And frankly, that scared him.

Once he's gone from the room Sam slides over to his laptop, opening it up to check on his brother's blog, needing to see if he has updated. While he is glad to know it has, he is not happy to see what it has to say;

"_Sam's been asking about the bandages on my fingers…I don't know what to tell him. I just tell him they're cuts I got accidentally and he gives me this suspicious look. Same as when I told him the cut on my lip was just my lips getting too dry._

_"I know I'm supposed to be the one who's an expert with things like knives and taking care of myself._

_"I can't exactly tell him that I've been neglecting myself. It's hard enough he's stuck with me until this job is done, I can't burden him with the truth._

_"I'm too damn depressed to get out of bed sometimes, only the nightmares get me out of bed. The sense of purpose the job gives me._

_"Fuck, I can't even tell him I've been so anxious since they found me after the attack that I chewed the skin off my fingers until they bled…_

_"Or that I've been chewing at the skin of my lip till it peels away and bleeds. That I've been picking at the scabs of wounds on my chest until they reopen._

_"He'd probably tell me I'm insane, or laugh it off anyway…_"

Sitting back he covers his mouth with one hand, staring at the entry and just rereading it over before looking up self harm. Looking at different methods and his eyes focusing on things like 'preventing wounds from healing' and how people with anxiety will chew on the skin around their nails.

Dean was right.

Both hands moved to his hair, combing it back with his fingers before pulling at it as he just stared at the screen. What should he do? Dean needed someone who was a professional. He needed therapy. Fuck were there even therapists who handled hunters with PTSD? Anxiety? Depression?

What they really needed was Cas, but he was AWOL.

Groaning he sat back in the chair, staring at the ceiling. Maybe some time out would do Dean good? They had some spare money and they did need new clothes, plus Cas needed some to blend in as a hunter. He was about Dean's size so it should not be too hard.

Chewing at his lip he decided to read up more on anxiety, keeping an ear open for if Dean returned. Maybe they could go to the mall tomorrow? Yeah Dean hates crowds of people, but it's important he get out once in awhile.

Moments later the sound of the impala pulling up draws him from his thoughts and he closes the tabs he has open. He has seen what he needs to, confirmed everything in his mind for the moment. To open it up to the patterns that signal just how bad Dean is.

Closing the laptop he looks to the door as it's opened, watching Dean back his way into the room before gently closing it with one foot. He shuffles to the table looking somewhat happy at least, the smell of pie tells Sam just what has Dean in a good mood and for once he's pleased. He does not like it when Dean eats junk food, but if it makes him happy it's worth it.

"Got everything?" he rolls one shoulder, stretching his aching limbs. Too much time bent over his laptop researching.

"Yeah. At least the important things. Salt, food, bandages, few others." Dean sets the pie down before going through the bags, eyes not looking Sam's way as he offers him a salad.

"Thinking we should go out tomorrow. Get ourselves some new clothes. Some of ours have been ripped to shreds. Plus we need to get Cas some if he even hopes to blend in." Slowly Dean stands straight, looking over at Sam.

"Any place in mind?"

"Local mall. Not far off, we can make it a trip in the morning. Hey, if we got some left over we can see a movie sometime this week. The Hobbit is out, and it looks pretty good." He's grinning from ear to ear seeing Dean blink with surprise. He knows Dean loves Tolkien so he cannot resist this.

"I...sure. I guess so. Trip around the mall, movie...doesn't seem too bad of a plan..." he shrugs, smiling a little.

Nodding Sam pulls his food over to himself, not noticing the look Dean's giving him like he is someone completely alien.

When the morning comes it is a chore just to get Dean out of bed. He knows his brother hates malls but does he need to fight this much? After leaving for a bit to get some coffee he waves it next to Dean's face, hoping the smell might motivate him out of bed.

It works at least, Dean sits up rubbing at his eyes before glaring at the other. Rolling his eyes he made it clear to Dean that he had coffee before setting it on the table. "Come on, get up you big baby. Time to shower and get dressed."

He got a groan of protest in return, but at least Dean was rolling out of bed and towards the shower. In no time he was dressed and ready to go, glaring at him over the brim of his coffee cup. It's almost endearing just how upset Dean is about being pulled out of bed.

Smiling cheekily he climbs into the car once unlocked, taking Dean's drink for him. "You got directions?" the question takes him by surprise but he quickly answers with a yes, sipping his own coffee. "Good, I didn't exactly notice the place on our way in."

"It's pretty big, it'll be hard to miss."

"Yeah yeah...most malls are. And with the time of year it is, it'll be packed with last minute shoppers." Sam does not miss the groan of anguish at that.

"Sales will be good at least. Means it'll work to our benefit."

"Yeah, just make sure you feed me while we're there. Warrior can only live on so little food."

"Yes Mr. Warrior."

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

Things go relatively uneventfully after that. He orders Dean A&amp;W at some point, and at another loses track of him - which is okay, they both have cell phones after all. Means he can sneak off to get a surprise gift for his brother. He had heard about the effects of music when it comes to anxiety, seen it work with Dean when they traveled via airplane years back. Something Dean could carry with him to listen to? That would help a tone. After that he just had to get all the music to transfer onto the device and show Dean how to work it.

Smiling to himself he tries to track down his brother, watching him as he exchanges words with a woman after bringing her child back to her. He keeps his distance, smiling as Dean ruffles the kids hair. A part of him wishes Dean could have had a chance at a normal life. 'You would have been a great Dad.' He cannot help the thought springing into mind, worse - he knows Dean would have been. The older man had been a father to him after all.

With an ache in his chest he rejoined his brother, announcing their shopping was done so they could go home, watching Dean's shoulders relax at the news. "Come on, I'll order in something. Pizza maybe."

"Sounds good."

_"Sam and I went out to do some emergency shopping recently. Read; he wanted to drag me to a mall and get me around 'normal' people for a bit. It took everything in me to not strangle him, I hate crowds. Almost as much as I hate cake. Especially when he gets it for me instead of pie._

_"30 years old and he still doesn't know that when I say pie, I mean pie. Not. Cake._

_"It proved to be handy though, I got a shirt for Cas (he's my size, just a little smaller so easy to shop for). It has a picture of a slice of pie with 3.14 on it. Figured the quirky humor was his kind of thing. There was also a 'sock monkey' hat, got that too. If he's going to be a hunter, may as well dress like one._

_"When Sam and I got separated I helped some scared kids find their Mom. She seemed suspicious of me, but I'm just glad someone worse did not find them. I'm bad, but I would never hurt a kid. Not intentionally at least._

_"Still bummed Castle is on hiatus, and Christmas is getting closer too. Sam's talking about wrangling up some money and going to see 'The Hobbit'. I'm excited but I don't know why he suggested it. Never figured him to be into Tolkien that much. Not like I'm going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Kili is fuckin hot._

_"Miss Cas though…I hope he joins Sam and I soon. I should call him, if he's not too busy…would be nice to spend Christmas with him."_


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: for reference, the asks are taken from Dean's blog (somewherelostinperdition at tumblr)

* * *

He kept checking in on Dean's blog, even though it had hit a lull for the moment. A few posts from Castle, and then there were two of the actor, Daniel Craig, that caught his attention.

His brother seemed to communicate his frustrations via tags, which made Sam laugh internally. '_I am a heterosexual…I am a heterosexual…_' and '_That fucking smirk. …I think I have a type, and that type includes blue eyes. FUCK._' Both seemed to summarize Dean's feelings, and explain Dean's attraction to Cas in a way.

Funnily enough, it caught the attention of someone else too.

"_Hello Dean. Welcome to the world of blue eyed life ruiners. :)_" - whishawmaster

"_I've been there since I met Cas._

_"Help._

_"How do I get out?_"

He claps a hand over his mouth, stifling a laugh at the response that sounds so unlike Dean, yet so much like him at the same time. He keeps scrolling to see more of the conversation, thankful Dean is in the shower for the moment.

"_You don't. That's just it._" - whishawmaster

"_I don't like it. Both Benny and Cas have blue eyes and worse Cas' eyes are as blue as Daniel Craig's, maybe bluer, and he has this way of just staring at me that I get lost in them. Then he just tilts his head like I'm some kind of puzzle that he can't figure out and I don't know what to do._"

The entry is followed by a gif of a man locked in what appears to be a phone booth yelling 'I'm in a glass case of emotion'. Sam smiles at his brother's words, knowing just the look Dean is talking about. He had seen it enough that he is surprised that he had not noticed their love for one another sooner. At least not Cas' part. The angel fawned over Dean enough to make it obvious.

"_I think you need a hug. Come here, hug time._" - whishawmaster

"_Okay, but don't tell Sam. I don't normally do this touchy feely shit._" [Gif of Ian McKellen hugging someone.] The tags include; _#how do hugs even work over the internet? #do I just #*hug*?_

Rolling his eyes Sam tried not to think on that. Dean's avoidance of anything 'chick flicky' was annoying honestly. What was wrong with a little hugging? He was half tempted to shove Dean at Cas and have them hug it out, maybe Dean would be a little less stick up the ass about it.

"_*rolls eyes* Fine. I won't tell your brother. Not sure what the problem with hugging is, but whatever. Hugging is good for you Dean. Makes people less angry._" - whishawmaster

Whoever 'whishawmaster' was, they had a point. Sam made a note to look them up later, right now he was more focused on Dean's conversation and what he thought about this.

"_But it's chick stuff. Touchy feely, girly shit. So is talking about your feelings, which is why I'm here instead of talking with Sam who wouldn't listen to me anyway. I mean, yeah I listen to people when they got shit going, because I care but I'm no good with talking about feelings. Makes you weak._" Tagged: _#What's that thing Bruce Banner says in 'The Avengers'? #We're not a team #we're a time bomb?_

He scowled at that, 'I so would listen!' was the only thought in his mind, eyes darting from the laptop to the shower when he hears Dean step out of it. Only a little more time left with Dean's blog before he has to pretend he has not been snooping again. His brother might want something to eat so that will give him something to distract the older hunter with at least. Catching up with this was higher on his priorities than food right now.

"_Except that it doesn't. Listen, take from someone else who is emotionally constipated to the point where they walked around for three years with a crush on someone and only admitted it after bodily harm was threatened by their best friends: talking about feelings usually works out for the best. And hugging is not girly! Seriously! Some of the best huggers I know are men! *does not approve of your stereotypes*_" - whishawmaster

"_True…I don't know about Cas, but Benny, Garth and Sam do give some pretty good hugs. Sam's the best since he just holds tight. Though he's kind of massive and towers over me so it's a little spine breaking…_

_"I just hate talking about feelings. Might be because Dad told me that shit made me weak and I couldn't be weak. Sam needed me._" Tagged: _#…Only hugs I can ever remember getting from a girl was Mom and Lisa. #Do I avoid hugs that much?_

'Yes Dean, you do.' Is the thought going through his mind before he closes the browser, thankful he is caught up for the moment as Dean steps out, toweling his hair.

"Man they have a sweet shower. And the little shampoo and shit is awesome too. I don't smell too flowery do I?" he looks over to Sam before sitting down on his bed.

"More citrusy really." Smirking he stands, moving over to get a whiff of him, yeah citrus. "You don't smell like you've been rolling in burgers trying to attract angels."

The other sputtered at that, eyes wide as he stared at Sam. "Why would I do that? If Cas wants to come back, he'll come back. 'Sides, I can call him if we need him. So let him do his thing for now while we do ours."

Smiling Sam just shook his head, impressed by just how red Dean's cheeks were right now. "Sure. We have other things to worry about right? Tablet, hunts, all that shit." Without thinking he takes the towel, drying off parts of Dean that his brother had missed, actually enjoying taking care of him instead of the other way around. "You'll catch a cold if you don't dry properly you know."

More sputtering and Dean stole the towel away, his face so red that his freckles were showing off. "Yeah yeah, I can always turn on the heat you ass…"

Rolling his eyes Sam wrapped his arms around his brother, kissing his forehead. "I know, I'm just looking out for you. Someone has to take care of you…" since you won't take care of yourself. He only thinks of the last part, wishing Dean would look out for himself. Or at the very least let people look out for him. Because the more Dean kept up with this, the more Sam worried about him.

It was like finding out your brother was alien. Or someone else entirely, and it scared him. Just how different was Dean from the brother he thought he was?

Every reading of Dean's blog he was learning more and more, and it made him continually second guess everything.

"Hey, why don't we watch that show you like? Uh…Castle I think it was?" he looked down at his brother who looked tense, probably startled by the hug. He had not pulled away though, so that was something. In fact his head was resting on Sam's chest, arms loosely wrapped around the other's waist.

"Sure…Can I watch the latest Criminal Minds first?"

"Of course. I'm not as familiar with that one though."

"S'bout this FBI team who analyze killers by their behavior, and catch them."

"Yeah, that much I know."

"S'all you need to know."

Laughing he kissed the top of Dean's head, "I'll order something in and we can watch that."

He just got a nod in return, his brother's head not leaving his chest until Sam pulled away reluctantly, leaving a dazed Dean.


	9. Chapter 9

It goes quiet again and Sam swears Dean must have abandoned his blog completely. At least he would if it were not for the various Castle related posts that show him Dean has not completely given up. His brother seems to be going about as usual, with little to no time for himself which bothers Sam, even if he will not speak up about it.

It is up to Dean to watch out for himself after all. Right?

He knows he should make Dean settle down for some 'me time' but how does he do that to a man whose four years older than him?

Then the RSS feed pings telling him there has been another update. He expects it to be another 'reblog' of how Castle and Beckett are soulmates, but as it turns out, that is not the case.

He reads through it quickly;

Anonymous asks: "_Damn, boy. Isn't there anything anyone could do to make you happy?_"

Dean replies first with a gif of a pair of birds with blue feet that Sam recognizes as the 'boobies' his brother had been excited about earlier.

"_I don't know honestly? I thought maybe a white picket fence life might, but that didn't work…then again I didn't really love the girl I settled with, so maybe it could work if I had someone else._"

He remembers that, turning from Lisa's house and what he thought would be a happier life for Dean. Without him, or the job. A girlfriend, kid, something nice. Was not the best of ideas, he should have known the life would be miserable for him instead, especially thinking Sam was dead. But Cas was gone fighting a war, and Sam was missing a soul. Not much they could do.

"_I thought the job might make me happy, and yeah it does give me a sense of purpose but…it's empty really. Especially since my brother wants to quit, and hunting things alone just…makes me lonely. I've never been the lone hunter. Even when I was I hated it. I can work alone but I don't want to._

_"I'd say havin' Cas n' Benny would make me happy but then I might just be constantly worried they hate me. So I honestly don't know…I really just don't know._

_"A steady security knowing the people I care about love and care about me? Someone there when I wake up from nightmares to hold me? Constant reassurance that I'm not a worthless piece of crap?_

_"I've never really wanted much, just…to know I'm not bad I guess._"

If he was not sure Dean would ask all sorts of questions about why he was hugging him, Sam would grab his brother and pull him into the tightest hug he could manage. Did Dean not see how much he meant to everyone? How smart and good he was? How important? Sam would not be who he was without his brother.

Locking the phone he pocketed it before looking over at his brother who was playing with his own, standing next to the trunk of their car.

"Do we need anything?" he asks, coughing into one hand to try and keep the emotions building up, down. He did not need to know Sam was reading his 'online diary'. Not yet at least. And when Dean found out, Sam knew he was in for an ass kicking. It was going to hurt, and he was going to deserve it, but how else would he learn about Dean? Especially when Dean refused to talk himself.

The other hunter looked up from his cell before looking at the trunk thoughtfully, tapping a bit more at his phone before locking it. "We could use some ammo, and cleaning supplies. Do you want to pick that up before we head out of town?"

His phone vibrates with an alert as he nods, "sure. Best to be prepared and all that." With that said he moves around the car to slip into the passengers side, phone out.

Another update.

Same thing this time with Dean answering questions;

Anonymous asked; "_Same anonymous as before. It seems like you're kind of stuck in a rut, if you ask me (which of course you haven't, but fuck it, you're getting my opinion anyway). You want to be happy, but you're not giving yourself anything to be happy about, and you've basically just stopped trying. your circumstances are only going to improve if you make them; it seems like you're kind of just waiting for someone else to come along and fix you, but that's not the way the world works, dude._"

Smiling a little at that, he is glad someone is trying to talk some sense into Dean. Maybe then Dean would talk to someone? Him at least? Or someone they knew. Though that might be hard as Dean was not all too fond of Garth, and they did not have many other friends. If any at all. Just thinking on it made Sam's head ache because they have never really had anyone. Outside Bobby it was usually just them.

Moreover, while he had Jess for a while, Dean's always been the lone wolf. He thought that was just Dean's personality but now he is beginning to understand it is less Dean not wanting to be around people, and more Dean pushing everyone away because he is scared.

He only looks away from the phone for a second as his brother slides into the car with a learned ease.

"_I just can't find anything TO be happy about. I don't even know what to do to even go about making anything better. I'm just kind of stuck here knowing eventually Sam's going to leave, Benny doesn't need me, and Cas'll leave too._

_"I'm just kind of hanging here waiting for it all to happen so I can just accept and disappear._"

It took everything in him to not look at Dean with wonder. How did his brother keep going on? Why did he hate himself so much? What could Sam do to help him? Closing his eyes he ran a frustrated hand through his hair, letting it fall in a curtain over his face as he breathed in deep.

If Dean asked anything he would just blame it on a headache. They needed to get coffee anyway so that was the best excuse, right?

"Which do you wanna get first? Breakfast or supplies?" the question startles him though he tries not to show it, sliding Dean a look.

"Could get both at the same time. I think we're both familiar enough with what the other eats to get breakfast for each other."

Snorting Dean shakes his head, "you can get supplies while I get food then. I am not skipping out on a chance at getting pie if I can help it."

"When have I ever forgotten that?!"

"Plenty of times!"

It is a familiar banter that Sam tries to hold onto as best he can, because anything to keep Dean's mind off the bad things is good. He can hear the sound of Dean's phone going off, alerting him of an e-mail and he tries not to vibrate in his seat. Another 'anon'? He seemed to be getting a lot of people talking to him recently.

Well only two, but two was more than none.

He is almost unsure of wanting to separate from Dean for even the smallest amount of time but he knows he cannot exactly smother him. More importantly, giving Dean space gives him time to talk with these strangers. That and he was right, he could pick out the food that made him happy if he went and got it himself.

"Should be a diner near the ammo shop. I go to one, you go to the other. We meet back at the car."

"Or you can give me the keys, I put the stuff in the trunk, we eat, coffee and go?"

They are silent for a moment as Dean considers this before nodding, "sounds like a plan. Better than eating on the way there." He holds back a comment about it being more civilized too, just smiling for him. He had to remind himself Dean did not know a life outside of diners, motels, and eating in the car.

His brother had four years of a normal life, that was it. Then one more with Lisa which he did not really live.

"Yeah. So you get your junk food." He grins, patting him on the shoulder. Fingers drag down his brothers arm and he tries not to focus on how Dean tenses a little, obviously unused to the affectionate touch. Mentally promising himself to try and give his brother more affection, especially more often, he checks where the ammo shop is.

Right across from the diner, as Dean promised.

They part ways quickly, Dean moving with the grace of a tiger on the prowl as he tosses the keys to Sam. He knows his brother is going to just wait in the diner with his phone out tapping away between flirting with the waitresses so he has no worries.

Things pass slowly and he does as promised - throwing things in the trunk before joining his brother just before the food arrives. His phone has already alerted him of a new post which he makes a note to check later.

They eat, talking occasionally and exchanging small talk with a busty waitress who has her eyes on Dean. Furrowing his brows he can tell something is obviously up with his brother, the way he does not look at the woman as she leans over the counter. His eyes seem only focused on hers, and while he is proud Dean's respecting her this is wrong.

An e-mail alert rings and he looks over at Dean's cell. Maybe it is the conversation bothering him? His brother had been upset since the night before, and yeah...the fight was big. But it could not be enough to have him this down.

If he thought on it though - he had never had someone track someone he loved.

In a flash, like he can tell people are getting suspicious, Dean perks up with the flirtatious attitude. It is almost like someone in one of those erectile dysfunction commercials and if he was not sure Dean was sexually healthy he would wonder if it was true.

He is tapping at his phone, flirting happily with the waitress and giving her his biggest shit eating grin. It takes longer than Sam would like to clue into what is going on - it is all an act. He knows he has to leave town so he is leaving her with a good impression. More importantly fluffing up her ego on his way.

His phone vibrates again, this time he wishes he could just pull it out and read what Dean was saying. What had him so enamoured.

"Say...you got anywhere you need to be hun?"

"Yeah, unfortunately my brother and I aren't staying long. Breakfast then hitting the road. I'd love to stay and taste more of the menu but, plans are plans." Dean's grinning wide and Sam almost wishes that they could stay so his brother could have a night to relax. Just one. Though he wonders if Dean is even interested in her, or if it is one-hundred percent an act.

"Aww that's a downright shame."

"It is, the pie is delicious. You make this?"

"Why yes I did. Home recipe!"

"I can tell."

It keeps going back and forth and at points Dean has him rolling his eyes.

Then there's the ding of another e-mail alert.

His attention is split for just long enough to get out a reply to whoever is talking to him before he is completely on her again. Like a wolf playing with its prey, even though he knows Dean will not be playing with her. They have got too much to do.

Before long it's over. They have take out cups with coffee in them and Dean's tapping away on his phone again. What he is doing now Sam is uncertain until he feels the buzz of an update. A journal entry this time maybe? He had not heard his brothers e-mail go off.

No matter he has reading material ready for the ride.

It is when Dean has Metallica easing his tension, and the open road ahead that Sam pulls his cell out. Two answered questions, and a journal post, just as he thought.

Funny how active his brother was, but he did not question it. He needed some way to vent.

He begins to read them starting with the first one;

Anonymous asked: "_Again, same anon. If they haven't left by now, what makes you think they're gonna want to suddenly leave any time soon? Obviously they've stuck around for a reason. And don't you dare say that it's for some shitty reason like they feel sorry for you or something the fuck like that. No one is that saintly; if they wanted to leave, wouldn't they have left by now?_"

They have a point. It is a quiet thought to himself, sliding a look Dean's way before looking back to his phone.

"_There's just it; Sam wants to leave. He's been fighting to get out since he was a teenager and I just dragged him back in again. So once the job is done he will be gone to. He doesn't want to be here with me, he's made that clear enough. We can't even talk about it with out fighting and he just shuts me up whenever I need to talk._"

Guilt fills him as he reads that, knowing just what Dean is saying. He does want out but he wants his brother happy too. They seem to conflict one another. He hates this. More that he left Amelia but now - now he is missing a life outside of this insanity. If he could only settle Dean down.

"_Cas…Cas is homesick. I know he is. Said so himself that he'd go back if he wasn't so scared, and I think he's ready to face it. I don't know what's keeping him here really. Probably just to help Sam 'n I once he's done with something of his own._

_"And Benny's gone already. Off doing his own thing. Which is for the best, Sam hates him so I can't exactly have him around if they're going to try and kill each other._"

The mention of the vampire has him scowling, if only inside. How Dean could side with a monster like that - ...It feels hypocritical considering his treatment of Amy, and even Ruby. Every other monster in their past. Dean was even hostile to Cas in the beginning. What was so different about Benny? He would go to drinking human blood eventually! They both knew it.

Taking a deep breath he tried to keep the thoughts of Benny at bay. Better to than to go off in a mini internal rage and have Dean pull over the car. He could not exactly explain perusing through his brothers diary in secret right now.

Once calm he reads the next;

Anonymous asked: "_Damn, I should probably make an account. It would make this a lot easier and I wouldn't have to keep announcing who I was. But anyway, have you even tried talking to them about this lately? It seems like they care about you, a lot more than you're willing to let yourself notice. Maybe you're just interpreting them wrong, it's not like you can read their minds after all._"

"_Not many people talk to me honestly so it's okay really. Though hey, I could come up with a nickname for you? heh_

_"I've tried but everyone elses problems seem so much bigger than mine…Sam and I don't usually talk about feelings and Cas has been dealing with well…his own suicidal issues._

_"I've been like this for years, what's another god knows how many, y'know? Especially if it means I help Cas get through his rut, and keep Sam and Benny from ripping into one another. Maybe see Sam move on to be with whatever girl he chooses._"

All of Dean's fears seem to be piling together and if Dean were not driving he would pull him into a hug. He just wants him happy. But how seems to be the only question.

All that is left to read is the journal entry now...

"_Sam has some detective following Benny. I hate it, but at the same time I saw it coming. I just hate who he chose because the guys a bit of a screwball. We've handled him before. Sam should've picked someone reputable at the very least. I just feel like I'm going to have to fish Benny out of a mess soon, since I don't want them going at each others throats._

_"If we lose Martin in the mix, so be it, but I don't want to lose either Sam or Benny, at least not before I have to. Is that so much to ask?_

_"I want to cling onto what I have for as long as I can. Before Sam goes back to some white-picket-fence life, and I'm left alone to my own dealings. Before Benny settles down, and Cas goes back home._

_"Just, keep what I've got for as long as I can. That so much to ask for?_

_"Fuck I hope not._

_"Feels already like I'm asking for too much asking for Sam to just…notice somethings wrong with out me having to reach out and tell him. Because it feels like he's pushing me away when I want to talk, when I've tried to. And leaving my laptop out with…all this open doesn't seem to work._

_"If I can't take the subtle or direct route, what can I do?_"

He quickly shuts off his phone, setting it in his pocket. He cannot tell him he is reading it. That he has been for weeks now. Not yet. Closing his eyes he takes a deep breath, ignoring the questioning look as he grabs his coffee.

"You okay?"

"Migraine. Light isn't helping."

"Got some sunglasses in the glovebox if you need 'em."

"Thanks."

"No problem, bitch."

"Jerk."


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: POV switch to Dean's later on in this chapter, plus some suicidal idealizations.

* * *

"_Have you ever read the Supernatural book series by Carver Edlund? You kind of remind me of one of the main characters._" - Anonymous

"_Yeah. Even met the author. Interesting guy. Wonder what happened to him…_

_"Heh, don't know why you say that, I kind of don't measure up to either of the guys in the books. At least visually._"

It still amazes Sam to see just how much Dean hates himself. How he does not even think he measures up to what is essentially him in book format. Then again he wonders if Becky's comment of Dean not meeting expectations is what probably threw him for a loop. Everyone was expecting Dean to be more muscular, taller, filled out, more like something out of a men's health magazine.

Instead they got a ken doll who looked like he had been through the trenches of war. Not all far from accurate really. He wonders what his brother would be like if he had not been raised in this life. Had a chance to settle down with someone nice.

How different would his brother be?

Sam has no time to mull on it though, and he hates himself for it but he has to chase down Benny. Part of him, the part that still resents who his brother used to be, feels it just. Dean killed Amy, and there were other non-human girls along the way. But then he remembers how Dean feels about Benny and his chest aches.

That was the plan until he got the text at least.

'I need your help.'

He never expected to hear from Amelia again...

* * *

"_I'm tangled up in something I don't know how to get out of. Shit went down, Sam's chasing after Benny, same with Martin. I'm torn between defending Benny, or being with Sam._

_"My heart tells me to defend Benny, he's not a bad guy and I know that. He's not who Martin and Sam think he is. They don't know him like I do._

_"Yeah he has a past, but we all do…Not like I'm going to get rung up for all the shit I've done. Hell I've done some things Sam doesn't know about. Things I'm not exactly proud of but had to do._

_"Ha, I don't think I want him to know about my history though, turning tricks just so he could eat while Dad was off working._

_"I have my past, I have my skeletons, I was…at least I think I've been forgiven for them, even if I can't forgive myself. I keep telling myself I did what I had to, and Benny can be forgiven for his own too._

_"So I just need him to lay off him. Or I might have to take matters into my own hands, and I don't think Sam will like where it ends. Because this will be the first time I take someone elses side over his own._

_"Well aside from the shit that went on with Cas over a year ago._

_"Sam and I have had some big disagreements before, but nothing like this._"

* * *

The text was a diversion, at least that was what he kept telling himself. Get Sam out of the way, Benny safe, Martin would be easy enough to handle if they crossed paths. He was nothing like going against Sam. Plus Dean knew already that if he did cross paths with Sam, he would not be able to hurt his little brother. Never could.

Martin however, he had no qualms with taking a tire iron over the assholes head for what he did to Dean's. His head still hurt from the attack, but as long as Sam was out of town, and Martin out of the way he was good. Benny was safe. They could handle what was going on here, get rid of the real threat and get out.

His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest with how fast it was going. Never would he admit he was scared - not for his life but for Benny's. He got the vampire out, and for what? To go back?

And part of him wanted Benny around still so they could see if anything might become of the two of them...

That was a silly pipe dream though.

Right now he had to keep going, even if it was just to make sure Benny survived. The text would get Sam out of town - he had to keep himself from thinking it might take Sam out of his life too. That hurt too much to think of right now. But if he was going to be made to chose why should Sam be free of that?

He keeps his bitter thoughts to himself, heading off to meet with Benny. The only distraction is his phone buzzing alerting him to an e-mail. He checks quickly, sighing since it was from his tumblr.

"_What would you do if Sam found this blog? Or, maybe, what do you think Sam would do?_" From Anonymous.

He taps out a reply quickly;

"_I don't know what I'd do honestly…would depend on his reaction honestly._

_"I don't know how he'll react though, he's become unpredictable. He's not the man I used to know. He could get angry, yell at me, run away from it because he does not want to face it, tell me to suck it up…_

_"Dad did when I tried to talk about feelings._"

It is depressing, he knows it is, but he has worked for years to build this armor of 'stay out'. A shield of self loathing and self hatred, focusing more on Sam than himself because it was his job, his purpose, his life.

Yet here he is, years later, with Sam once more trying to cut away and alone. His only friend in danger, the other doing god knows what. He could lose them at any moment and he knows it - worse, he expects it. Happiness never lasts for him. It never does.

He feels a bit more at home once he is with Benny again, sparing the teddy bear of a vampire a smile. Benny gives him a questioning look but does not ask. He never does and Dean guesses that's one of the reasons he fell for him. Benny never asked anything of him that Dean could not give...

And what he did ask for he could always give back.

What he loves more is how they make a great team, still natural together like they were in Purgatory. It's not as black and white here, but the mission is clear and they get through it with ease, only a little damage done to Dean - and like many times before Benny proves his self restraint. He does not latch onto the damaged skin, instead helping Dean up.

For a moment he wants to lean into that strong body. Breathe the other in, feel his arms around him and just be. Not on the edge and worried about Benny still because both Sam and Martin would still be out there.

In his pocket his phone vibrates but he ignores it - just e-mail alerts after all. It's when he and Benny have separated, with him warning Benny to get out of town, that Martin might try to track him, that he finally spares a moment.

Another one from anonymous; "_Ya know, in that list of possibilities for what Sam might do, it's kind of hard not to notice that you don't say anything positive. Don't you think it's possible that he might react by trying to talk to you, or help you? Siblings tend to be close like that; I find it hard to believe your brother would turn his back on you for any of this._"

He lets out a heavy sigh before responding this time, "_I just don't have that much optimism. Our relationship isn't what it used to be. I don't know if he'd want to help me. I've always been the strong, unbendable, dependable big brother to him. Nothing was ever wrong with me. Even if it was obvious something was, I always hid it with a smile and I don't know if Sam could handle knowing that all this time I've just been shattering to pieces._

_"Especially since it's getting hard to keep up the mask._"

That done it's time to get to clean up. The call to Sam is a mess, and he knew this would be coming. He should not have tricked him, and he feels bad for it, but at the same time he had to. He did not want to lose either Sam or Benny, especially not to one another in a blood bath.

When Sam hangs up he resigns himself to going and chasing down his brother. Sort things out the easy (or hard) way. Talking might do them both some good.

Another message comes in as he is getting ready to leave, "_You're 34, right? So Sam's, like, 30-ish? Don't you think it's about time to start letting him take care of himself? You don't have to protect him from everything, it's not your job. In fact, don't you think it's about time you let yourself be taken care of? It kind of sounds like you need it._"

He sighs, heavy and deep in his chest. Like he is tired and feels like there's this weight on him. 'You think I haven't considered that?' he thinks to himself.

"_Never been taken care of honestly, always been the one to take care of others. It's always been 'watch over Sammy, make sure he's okay'. Never 'watch over Dean'. Not even five years ago when I came back a little messed up because of things I don't want to get into._

_"Yeah I laughed it off, but it still gives me nightmares._

_"I don't think Sam would know what to do knowing that I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be._"

He gets ready to hop out of town, but has to turn back as soon as a call comes in. Expecting the worst his knuckles go white, holding the steering wheel.

When he arrives it's not as bad as he expects - bad but it could be worse in his opinion. She's a wreck on the stairs and he hands her something to clean up. Inside it's Martin's body on the ground. Fang marks, enough to tell him that is probably why Benny made a run for it. Came to save his grandkid, and left because he broke their promise.

Every part of him screams to chase him down and tell him it is alright, that he understands. Instead he leaves to do clean up, and handle her before he has to go chase down his brother.

Before he leaves town he checks his messages again, another from an anon; "_No offense meant by this, but he probably already knows. It's easy to see through the masks people put up; realistically speaking, you're probably not as good of an actor as you think you are. On another note, have you ever considered getting help, like professionally? I've been studying depression, and other than anti-depressants that's really the only solution I can think of for you._"

It takes everything in him not to bang his head on the car. If he wasn't a drifter that would be easy.

"_I move around too much. I've only stayed in one place for a year at most. I'm constantly moving from place to place finding work. Don't know if I could afford or have the medical to see a therapist, let alone psychiatrist so I could get the pills…_

_"And if he's noticed why hasn't he said a damn thing? He pestered me about it five years ago but let it go, why hasn't he said a thing now? He knows I won't just open up about it, at least he should. He's known me since he was born…_"

That done he is off. When he finally sees Sam they blow up at one another and Dean ends up alone, drinking away his sorrows. Wondering just where his life went wrong.

Across town Sam lays with Amelia, ignoring the occasional vibrations of his cell, alerting him to a new update on Dean.

"_Things are more fucked up than I expected but that's just how my life is._

_"Benny ran off…I think he thinks I hate him or something when that's far from the truth. I helped him get in the clear but Sam still hates him. Sam won't talk to me, I tried talking to him, explaining things to him but he wouldn't hear a word of it, actually hung up on me._

_"I know I'm a shit person, and a shit brother and I shouldn't have used the girl he liked to get him out of the way but I didn't want him and Benny killing each other. I'd rather lose him to Amelia than lose them both in a bloodbath but it looks like I'll lose both either way. He doesn't want to talk to me and Benny won't pick up the phone._

_"I'm all alone right now and worse I'm scared._

_"I'm at the point where I might just call Cas and see if he'll listen even if he's got shit of his own going on._

_"Just at the point where I feel like taking the impala and driving it off a cliff._"


	11. Chapter 11

Messages kept coming in, even as he sat inside the motel room, brooding. He had ditched the porn for beer instead, deciding that was the better option. Then with cell out he checked his cell having a feeling what would be next.

From Anonymous; "_There's always the internet, and I'm sure that there are plenty of professionals who would be willing to talk over the phone. It's not ideal, but it would get the job done. I had a therapist back in high school and we talked over the phone instead of meeting face to face plenty of times. Just give it some thought, okay? You're making me worried, I don't want anything bad to happen to you and I'm sure that your brother and the other two feel the same way._"

He laughed at that, was there even therapists who dealt with hunters? Someone he could tell that he had been to hell and back, purgatory too? Talk with about his depression, abandonment issues, the apocalypse? Even how it all began when he found out the monsters under his bed were real, and an overbearing militaristic father? He loved his Dad, but the man was a hard ass.

Dean honestly doubted there was anyone who could help him, online or off. Would it even be worth it to find a hunter who had a degree in psychology, and was licensed to practice in therapy, and medicine? Or an ex hunter? Anyone really who could help with his fucked up head.

Shaking his head he typed out quickly, "_I'll think about it. I'm trying at least, right? Made it this far. If anything if I get too bad tonight I might call someone I know. I don't have many friends but there's got to be someone out there who's willing to handle me while I drink myself into a stupor to keep from going off the deep end._

_"I just…can't ask Benny or Sam right now._"

He closes his eyes, sitting back as he tries to ignore the ache in his chest. He hated being alone, hated being away from Sam and Cas especially. It was like Sam was at Stanford while John hunted again, or being at Lisa's. The aching loneliness, though here he only had the distractions of porn he had lost interest in quickly.

His phone buzzes with a new email and he looks to it quickly with a small smile, from Anonymous it reads; "_this is going to sound really silly, but have you ever tried listening to music to help you feel better? I have depression too, and though it doesn't cure it, it really helps sometimes. I would suggest Sleeping With Sirens or Suicide Silence- they can be really inspiring._"

Adjusting his position on the couch he taps out a reply; "_Yeah just…all my music is classic rock and in tape format. I don't have any mobile device to listen to music with. I usually just…hum Metallica when I'm stressed._

_"I think my new cell counts as something I can use but I would have to somehow get the music, and then transfer it to my phone. And see if I have the room for the music._"

It's when the message is posted that he remembers the mp3 player Sam had bought for him. The one Dean had been wary of because it meant new things and change. The one sitting in the trunk of his car because Dean couldn't accept that maybe he needed it. For a moment he considers grabbing it before deciding to not move from his spot, taking a drink from his beer as he played with his phone.

The next message that pops up is from an anonymous again and it makes him sigh a little too dramatically; "_I get that you're trying, I really do. It's just, sometimes wanting to be better just isn't enough on its own, and I speak from personal experience. In this world, you've kinda gotta assume you're on your own with deciding your fate, and make your own miracles happen. It's not like you can just pray and hope God'll fix all your problems, no matter how much easier that would be. But you're not going to find the answers to your problems at the bottom of a bottle, no matter how hard you look._"

Taking a deep breath he closes his eyes wishing he didn't have to hide everything, that he could just say 'I deal with monsters, I can't get your usual kind of help!' instead he feigns niceties.

"_Woah there's two of you now._

_"Yeah but sometimes that bottle keeps me from doing bad things. And for tonight at least, with all the fuck ups I've done I want to drown in my own sorrows since I already know I'm practically alone and clinging onto strings that are unraveling._

_"I lost faith in God and humanity a long time ago. Learned no one was going to help me at an early age. Always been on my own. Probably how I ended up as messed as I am. But it means I'm just going to have to see if I can find someone willing to listen to my bullshit._"

Pushing up from the couch he looks around, before giving up and falling back onto it again, staring once more at the ceiling in thought between drinks. The phone buzzing brings him out of his thoughts and he looks to it:

It's from Anonymous: "_That just means you're popular. It kinda seems like people are just drawn to you, in a way, so obviously you're special. You're not alone, don't you get that? You're surrounded by people that you're determined to think don't care about you when you most likely couldn't be any more wrong. And honestly? Over the years I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not. What really matters is that you believe in yourself, even if that sounds corny._"

He rolls his eyes at that, why would he be popular? He was no one. Especially on a blogging site dominated by teenagers. He contributed nothing to the site except his own wank about his life.

"_Sadly I don't have much faith in myself. I actually hate myself, however overdone that sounds._

_"But I'm going to try, that's a start at least. Talk with some people I know. Sam's not around, Benny's off, so I'm left calling Cas or a friend of Sam and I's. He might know someone I can go to for my head._"

It's a lie and he knows it but if it placates them he's fine.

"_Well, that's good news at least. I'm proud of you for taking that step, no matter how small it may seem. And I'm sorry it took me so long to reply! I've kind of been going through some things and it took up quite a bit of my time, but it's all taken care of. Anyway, I finally got around to making that account I mentioned once-upon-a-time ago! I made it on my phone, so I haven't really had time to do anything other than follow you so far. Like the name? It took me forever to choose._" One of his little anons has a name to the 'face' now at least, alltheshadesofamber, hmm.

He gives the screen a small tug at the corner of his mouth, the barest hint of a smile.

"_Sweet, nice to finally have a name to separate you from the rest, even if it's a username._

_"Thinking about taking 'steps' once my current job is done. My job takes precedence over being happy right now honestly. S'why I just packed up and left instead of calling Cas…Or anyone else for that matter. Not going to go into details right now. Just that things are a little more messy than I like, but I'm not surprised honestly._

_"It's a nice little name you got there. Amber's a nice color. Nice name too, though I don't know if you're a girl or not so I don't want to offend on accident._"

With that done, he leaves his phone on the side, ringer on so he knows when Sam calls, time to get some sleep.

* * *

"_So I'm a lying liar, I'll concede to that…I didn't call anyone. Not Cas, not anyone else I knew…I packed up and went to chase down Sam. We fought, I found some place to crash after him and I basically told each other we were going to go out separate ways…_

_"Then I woke up to Cas starin' at me. Sort of embarrassing when I have Busty Asian Beauties open on my laptop, and a beer bottle in hand. No, I didn't log into the site, I had closed the laptop before logging in to get a beer and fell asleep. Still embarrassing as fuck though._

_"He didn't say anything, was probably judging me from behind, religious and all that…_

_"Didn't even get to pull one off. Doesn't matter, I hadn't been in the mood really._"

It was more a summary of what happened the night before but he doesn't want to let them know that fact. That he had been weak. Even on the internet he has to keep this shield up to keep himself safe. In all truth he had actually talked with Sam, crashed, talked with people on his blog, and here he is with Cas giving him his patented confused look that is all Cas. Rolling his eyes he puts his phone away moving over to the angel who's watching him closely.

"So what's up?" He cocks a brow wanting to know just what's going on.

He should have known it would be something big to get Cas' ass to come back, ever since the war in heaven Cas hadn't paid them a luxury visit. 'I always come when you call' was a thing of the past. Even if he had been praying, knowing Cas could hear him, begging for him.

Last night he had prayed only once before falling asleep.

Here he was with the angel right before him explaining about Samandriel's problem. At least he was asking for help instead of running off into something that could get him killed. Again.

Before he goes to investigate he looks over his shoulder at the angel. "Just don't bring Sam into this. He wants out, so just - let him have it." Let him walk out and abandon me, is the unspoken words but Cas seems to understand by the way his brows furrow together.

* * *

"_Cas had some work for me apparently. I went to deal with that with him. He brought Sam in, even after I told him multiple times that I didn't want him to. That Sam and I…were not really on talking terms. That Sam wanted out of the job and all that._

_"I wanted to yell at him, I almost did, but Cas was desperate about finding his friend, so I didn't do much beyond glaring at Sam._

_"He glared back naturally. Looking over Cas, and giving me this look that sums it all up nicely. It's weird how we've come to this. I raised the damn kid. Spent almost 32 years of my life on him._

_"Now we can't be in the same room with out fighting._"

It's just the two of them for a while, investigating things like bushes lighting on fire, and a man hearing a strange voice speaking in a foreign language. Cas surmises that the affects of an angel screaming could cause it so they know Samandriel is close and in pain at least.

From there they find the warehouse, then seek out Kevin and Cas leaves to get him what he needs for his bombs. A call from Benny who's going down hill has Dean on edge but he can't do much to help him in his current situation.

It's when Cas returns with Sam that sets Dean off.

They're already fighting and it's after some harsh words that they glaring at one another, Dean's eyes narrowed on his brother before he says to Cas, "I thought I told you we didn't need him." Cas' dramatic roll of his eyes, and how he throws his head back before looking over at Dean would almost make the hunter laugh if he wasn't in a bad mood.

"We need everything, Dean. I need both of you, as you say, to stow your crap. Can you do that for me?"

That's it, end of discussion, he wants to press the issue, tell Cas they should have left Sam with his girlfriend but they have bigger things to worry about than this. Than themselves.

* * *

When all is done at the warehouse the three of them are not all that sure they want to know what happened here, even though they have an idea. Crowley trying to get information out of Samandriel being the gist of it, what information he got they don't know.

What has Dean worried is how Castiel went from 'we must save him' to killing Samandriel. Something felt off but he didn't know what, or how to communicate just how off it felt. Frowning he looks from where Cas had been to his brother, hoping Castiel would be okay.

At least Samandriel wasn't in pain anymore.

From there they head to a motel and sit down with some drinks talking everything out. Dean can feel his hand shaking as he calls up Benny, telling him they can't talk anymore. If Sam can't have Amelia why should he have Benny? Makes sense right?

He tosses Sam a beer, sits down, and just stares at the TV hating himself a little more.

"_It's all over. The job Cas had for Sam 'n I._

_"He - Cas - is gone. Something is wrong with Cas and I don't know what to do, he won't answer when I call. Worse, I know something is up. He just went missing after we found his friend._

_"Sam and I are back together. As dysfunctionally as we usually are._

_"I…broke it off with Benny. I hate myself for it, I feel like I've torn myself up in two, but I couldn't handle being happy, knowing Sam gave up his girlfriend for a life on the road with me._

_"I don't have time to be happy right now anyway. I have work to do. I can't just sit back and bask in it, in what I want and need, until it's all done._

_"S'why I can't try and fix myself, and make it all better until my job is done. People are depending on me. Even if it destroys me._"


End file.
